The Medium is the Massage

Excuse me, but I got a catalog in the mail yesterday, and I've just got to mock it and make fun of it.

I won't distract you with the name of the company, or even much about what they sell. In fact, I can strip their product descriptions down to the bare essentials by omitting such superfluities as content and context. All I need quote out of various product descriptions are a few key words and phrases. Over and over and over again.

Or as Marshall McLuhan put it in a lesser known variant of his famous saying: "The medium is the massage."

Day-into-Evening Watch
...rich... sleek... elegant... for business or pleasure... handsome...

...Prestigious...
...stunning... luxurious...

Power— Prestige— Excellence...
...distinctive... impressive... professional... meticulously crafted... designed...

Leather Desk Chair
...luxury... designed... prestige... conveys the level of your status and success... premium... luxury...

Briefcase
...elegant... pleasure... easy access...

...of Genuine Leather
...executive desk... precision-crafted... sophisticated...

Briefcase
...convey the importance... luxurious... the level of success you have achieved... easy access...

...of Ostrich Leather
...meticulously crafted... ultimate in prestige...

Attaché
...project a professional image... luxury... elegant attaché... crafted... sumptuous... for the demanding professional... sophistication...

King of Briefcases
...designed to serve demanding, committed professionals... crafted... soft... supple... sturdy...

Polished Italian Leather
...when you walk into a meeting or presentation, present an image... professional... exquisitely crafted...

Underarm Folio: Prestige Plus Power
...for high-stakes presentations and executive meetings... important... prestigious... meticulously fashioned... sophistication...

Chair: Solid Wood and Genuine Leather
...rich... prestigious choice... executive suite... sumptuous...

Toiletry Kit
...when one reaches a certain pinnacle of achievement... luxuries... richness... deluxe... gorgeous leather...

Barrister's Briefbag
...this one says you mean business... meticulously crafted... fast access... important presentation...

A Case for... Watches...
...rich, sumptuous... embossed... tactile... most prestigious... It's [sic] usefulness... plush...

The Rich Allure of Crocodile
...deeply embossed... prestigious... for impact in important meetings...

Backpack
...rich, soft... executive status... fashioned of delectably...

European Sophistication
...exquisitely crafted... embossed... edgy, urban, and sophisticated... supple... designed... easy access... sophisticated gold-toned...

Cambridge Collection
...elegant... for both business and leisure... crafted... embossing... exclusivity... rich...

...Softness of Suede
...ultimate in sophistication...

Woven Leather Travel Gear
...luxurious... silky... richly... elegant...

Deluxe Printer Stand
...project an image of success... deluxe... crafted... rich...

Leather Envelope
...crafted... smart, stylish... handsome... implies importance...

Ashby Brief
...crafted... quick and secure access... soft, supple...

Pen Box Displays
...finest... a box that reflects their prestige... crafted... rich...

Gladstone Bag
...handsome... meticulously handcrafted... richer... expertise... superb...

Leather Day Bag
...sophisticated... deep, rich... successful...

Believe you me, I'd love to have about half of the items in this catalog, even if the catalog's relentless tone does remind me of "Gunfight at the OK Corral," only with BlackBerrys™ in place of six-shooters.

But Santa, can't you please bring the catalog copywriter a better thesaurus for Christmas??!